I’ve just spent the last half hour feeling ridiculously angry over insensitive comments from my partner, but that all changed a few minutes ago to real pride over how much I have changed. My other half has been on at me to sort out a pile of papers and letters on the dining table. He tidied and filed the worst of the mess, so what is left is mine (or so he claims). My ire started this morning when he once again pointed out the pile. Then I received a delivery of clothes and shoes; as I don’t visit shops, I order everything online, try it on then return what I don’t like or doesn’t fit. Somehow, in the process of doing all that, he’s either gotten in a bad mood because there was stuff all over the flat (we live in a shoebox) or because I wasn’t working on business planning (my idea) as we were meant to be doing. When he saw the 2 large bags of returns he started to interrogate me on when they would be collected and if I could at least hide them away somewhere. He is obviously in a shitty mood about something; but I appreciate stupid, insensitive comments about as much as the next person. Especially as this week has been bad with a visit to the doctor’s, new meds and around only 4hrs of sleep each night.
The realisation that made me feel so much better was this; not only does the pile of papers on the table not bother me at all, but neither do the dishes in the kitchen or other household chores that are waiting for me to have a good day. I just don’t care! At one time I would have spiraled into deep depression at not being able to tidy up or killed myself trying to do it. But not now; if I can’t do it, I can’t do it. The moody man’s passive aggressive behaviour annoyed me and his insensitivity, but he’s also had a bad week, and we’re all allowed an off day. He is not ignoring my illness or pretending I’m not ill, which may have been the kinds of thoughts I would have once had as I remembered all the people who actually have done that to me.
I don’t know exactly when I changed these aspects of myself, but I’m glad I have because ultimately it makes life easier for me. There are plenty of genuine hardships and even tragedies when you have ME, yet in the not so distant past I have been guilty of reacting extremely badly to things that perhaps are not as important or as serious as I have made them. I’ve now started to think about the more specific things that did bother me but now do not and I think I may write about those more in depth in the future posts.